Simple Ways to Explain Death to Your Child

First, I want to start by saying that if you are grieving the loss of a loved one right now, you are not alone. You do not have to grieve alone and there are so many resources out there to help you with processing grief.

Talking to kids about grief is rough, but it is essential that we do it in a way that doesn't confuse them or make it harder for them to process. After working with children for over 20 years and through extensive research, I have learned a thing or two about how to talk to children about grief. You will need to tailor your conversation to meet their them at their current developmental stage.

Be honest with them. Children have misconceptions and fears about death. Research shows that it is better to tell a child about the process. Explain that death is a natural process just like being born. Let them know that the body shuts down, there is no more heartbeat, eating, or sleeping.

Younger children do not understand time and can't grasp the permanence of death. They will need to be gently reminded that their loved one is not coming back. They may wake up and forget that the loved one is no longer here. I lost my father in my 30's and there were days that I woke up thinking he was still alive. I often picked up the phone to call and tell him about my day, only to be reminded that he is no longer here.

It is important that you don't use euphemisms such as, "went on a long journey", "put to sleep", "passed away". This can confuse children, with thoughts about how they go to sleep every night and will they die. In may even entice more fears.

Children need ALL THE SUPPORT, that comes from everyone. A surviving spouse may not be able to emotionally support their children, as they are grieving themselves. Teachers, health professions, therapists, social workers, and other community partners that work directly with children need to help support the child. Not to replace therapy, but this could be just asking them how they are feeling. What their favorite things were about their loved one that passed away, etc.

As adults, as a society, we have to do better at giving space for grief. We know that grief can be many things outside of the death of a loved one. It could be divorced parents, an absent parent, watching a parent or loved one struggle with substance abuse, coming into foster care, and so much more! When I say normalize, we have to allow ourselves to cry, feel, and share our feelings with others. Modeling that it is okay to grieve to our children makes them feel safe to express their feelings too.

Opening up the conversation to talk to a child about grief may be hard. It may come naturally, or you may need help bringing it up. Gathering necessary resources and support will help make the conversation start easier.

The children's book, Wilty, a book about loss, is a great resource to aid with the conversation. It also helps parents/caregivers identify child behaviors that are associated with grief. The book helps support children by giving them a safe space, validating their emotions, finding the words, opening doors to communication, and giving them a place for them to heal.

Surveys with parents, children, therapists, and other community partners have provided useful feedback on the how the book was beneficial to working with the child.

The book, Wilty, a book about loss, has accompaniments that are to be used as additional tools. These extra activities will help your child work through their emotions in a developmentally appropriate way.

When the child expresses their feelings, be sure to not dimmish them by comparing their loss to your loss, or your emotions to their emotions. Just sit with them and give them a safe space to share. How we support children during this time is crucial and determines how they will come to terms with the loss.

There are also some useful examples of what to say to children experiencing grief or to use as conversation starters with the, Cue cards_Grief.

Art is an amazing therapeutic tool for releasing emotions. Other activities with children could be journaling, creating pictures depicting their favorite memories of their loved ones, write down "sayings" the loved one used to tell them, building a memory jar or chest, and creating a collage of pictures.

Follow my blog to find other useful tools to use around processing grief.

With Love-

Jessica

Author, Illustrator, and owner of Little Wildflower Books

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